What is this feeling
by Kashino Chiyuki-chan
Summary: Jack had been living with Aster for almost a year, and he was now almost 18, but Jack had been having some strange feeling for Aster. He was always so nice to him, and he seemed to be the only person that stayed with Jack, it had been so long since anyone cared for Jack, so why was he trying to ruin it. He wouldn't tell him, he would keep it to himself.


Jack had been living with Aster for almost a year, and he was now almost 18, but Jack had been haveing some strange feeling for Aster. He was always so nice to him, and he seemed to be the only person that stayed with Jack, it had been so long since anyone cared for Jack, so why was he trying to ruin it. He wouldn't tell him, he would keep it to himself.

**Jacks POV:**

"Happy birthday, Jack!" Aster cheered, as I came down the stairs that morning, I smiled at him.

"Thanks, " I said.

"What do you want for your birthday?" He asked, _you,_ I thought, of course, I didn't say that.

"Nothing, you don't need to get me anything." I smiled, I knew he wouldn't accept that, but I really didn't want anything.

"I figured you say that," Aster said, handing me a paper bag, I opened it up, to find a sketchbook, and a set of art pencils. I wanted to cry, it was perfect.

"Thank you! Thank you!" I hugged him, he seemed suprised, but he soon relaxed into it.

"Okay, okay, calm down," He patted me on the back, it's just a book. I shook my head in to his chest.

"This is the first present i've ever gotten." I told him, it was embarrassing, we never had the money to get anything, so even if he thought it wasn't important, it was a big deal to me.

"Well, as a thank you, why don't you draw me somthing?" he asked, a smile spreding across his face. I nodded, happy to oblige. I flopped on to the couch, pulling open the sketch book to the first page, and pulling out the first pencil. I began a sketch of the two of us, at some point in time I completly zoned out, not seeing anything but the picture in front of me. After it was finished, I looked it over, and noticed exactly how erotic it looked. I could feel myself blush at it.

"Are you done?" Aster asked. I jumpped realizing that he was still sitting next to me, he leaned over trying to get a look at the picture, I quickly hid it.

"Ah, no, not yet." Was it just me, or was the room getting really hot, after all, it was summer, and only a few days until I graduated.

"Are you feeling okay, you look trobled." I nodded not wanting to worry him. Wow it really was hot in here, I stood up, trying to cool myself. "Jack?"

"I'm fine, its just a little warm." Aster looked confused. I felt my eyesight get blurry, and, then, I was falling.

I dreamed of Aster, he was smileing at me, he looked so happy, I would give anything to always see him smile like that. "Jack," he touched my head, stroking the hair out of my eyes. His smile soon turned to a cold look. "I hate you, I never should have taken you in, you only ever cause problems." He sounded so cruel, but I knew deep down that it was the truth. I was bothering him, it was my idea to stay. But what if he wanted me gone? What if he just didn't say it cause he was to nice? Was I really troblesome?

"Jack, Jack, can you hear me?" It was Aster, but he sounded so far away. I looked at the Aster in front of me, he still looked like he wanted to choke me, but I knew that wasn't him, my Aster loved me.

Wait, what? Loved me, did I love him? Yeah, I think I did. That was when I woke up, with Aster holding me, he looked so worried.

"Aster?" He nodded, then they slipped, those words that I promised I wouldn't say. "I love you," and then it was to late, it was out there, floating in the air.

"What?" he looked at me, I wanted to look away, but I couldn't, like I was stuck there. "Jack, I think you probably just don't feel well, you should get some rest." He said, begining to stand.

"No..." it was bearly a whisper, this is why I told myself I wouldn't say it, he didn't feel the same, I had ruined it, whatever it was we had, I had just ruined it. "Wait," I begged, I didn't want to see his back.

He turned to face me straight on. "Jack, thats not right, you should get some sleep." I felt tears sting my eyes. No, I wouldn't cry here, not in front of Aster. Why, I thought to myself, I always figured when I finally got up the corouge to tell someone I liked them, that they would like me back and we would be happy together. I had waited so long, I thought he had loved me, I was wrong. I was a nusince. Suddenly, I was itching for my blade, I wanted to cut. I jumped to my feet and ran into my room, locking the door behind me. It took me no more than two seconds to spot my blade, hiding under a pile of books.

I slid to the ground, pulling up my sleave, looking at my already scarred arm. There must have been 40 scars already. What was wrong with a few more. Aster would be dissapointed, but that thought didn't even register as I slid the razor across the delicate skin on my wrist. I did it again and again until there were no emotions left in me. I was tired, and light headed. Aster hadn't even bothered to check on me, I felt the tears that I thought had left me crawl back up. I let out a muffled sob, trying to quiet myself. Before I knew it, my entire body was shaking with sobs.

_This is why you should be afraid, this is why I didn't want to care._ Aster finally came down, he must have heard the sobs, and knocked on the door, I didn't bother answering.

"Jack, mate, you should eat something." He said, he sounded worried and it was obvious that it wasn't food that he was thinking about.

I tried to respod but I couldn't stop my crying, as I tried to calm down it just got louder. It had been so long since I cried, all of the emotions I had been holding in flowed out. It was to much, even after doing it so much I wanted to cut more. I pulled back up my sleave and cut my arm again. It wasnt long until I couldn't keep my eyes open and I fell against the wall, falling to the floor. All of the emotions I had felt were gone, and the lonely world faded in to blackness.

**A/N: I'm sorry this took so long to get up, I just started high school and my schedual is booked. I'll try to update fast now that I have an idea for a story, and where I want it to go. As always reviews are loved, and PM's too, don't feel afraid to PM me, I always answer as soon as I can. Request are nice, anyway, I hope you all enjoy whatever it is your doing now!**

** Love, Chiyuki-chan.**


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